Five stages of Loss

First written down by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying" these five stages were solely focused on the processing of grief after a death. 

Speaking as someone who has gone through losing a loved one, I have passed through every single one of these stages. I know what they all feel like. 

Over the course of years though I've come to realize that it's not just after the death of a loved one that we humans process loss. I've also seen (and personally experienced) these feelings in other types of loss. For example a loss can also occur with a personal terminal illness, the end of a slowly disintegrating friendship, an ended relationship, estrangement in relationships, getting fired, loss of money, the death of a pet or animal, and some might even argue waking up on a work day! 

All kidding aside though. These stages are a part of the personal development and emotions that follow after any kind of loss. In other words that shape the coping process of learning to live without the person, pet, relationship, bond, friendship or connection we lost. An important side note to keep in mind is that these stages are in no way linear. Nothing about the processing of loss can be considered as a linear process. The stages are simply a helpful guideline to keep in mind while going through or supporting someone who is currently going through them. They can help give us insight into what we or others may be feeling. As a matter of fact we can move back and forth between stages. As mentioned before, it's a dynamic learning process. Sometimes it can and may feel like we're taking one step forward and two steps back. The most important thing to keep in mind in this process is patience and understanding.

Denial/shock

The first phase of loss has everything to do with the shock of the life changing event that took place. During the first initial period after, the change is so immediate that our brain has trouble comprehending the change and its implications. This is our body's way of protecting us from the enormous impact the event will have on us. It's a natural defense mechanism used by our subconscious to prevent a mental breakdown. 

Anger

The second phase is anger. We reach this after the initial shock has started to wear off and we are starting to realize the implications for our lives and our future which the life changing event brings with it. Most often we find our selves looking for a source or cause of the event. We look for something or someone to blame that lead our lives to change forever. Whether this is a medical error in the case of a death we're trying to cope with, another person our significant other ended a relationship for, or even something we did wrong that ended us up in this situation in the case of a fight with a friend or family member. Anger can be directed at anything or anyone in this phase, even at ourselves. 

Bargaining

Through anger we often reach a bargaining phase. This time of loss is characterized by thoughts of things that could've gone differently to ultimately change the undesired outcome we're coping with. A classic example of a thought pattern in grief is the concept of negotiating with a higher power. The thought of "if you spare ...'s life, I will..." 

an even more concrete example would be, "if I wouldn't have driven that night, such and such would not have happened, and so and so would still be alive". 

Bargaining is a time our brain tends to reflect on what has happened up to the moment of the life changing event, looking at different angles and seeing if there was anything we or others could have done differently to reach a more desired outcome. 

Depression (circumstantial)

What follows this stage, ultimately is the realization that there were many links in the cause and effect chain leading up to the event that changed our lives, that we had no control over. As this realization sinks in we reach the next stage in the process, depression. Just to clarify, the type of depression we're talking about here is different from the clinical or chronic depression you are most likely thinking of when you hear the word depression. In this case we're dealing with a circumstantial type of depression, brought on by a life changing event. This also means that the way to approach this feeling is different from your typical clinically diagnosed (and often hereditary) kind of depression. This isn't something that medication will be able to resolve, as these are feelings connected to an event in our lives that brought this on. These feelings need to be felt, sorted through and let go of in order to grow past this deep feeling of change and loss. It needs time. And even after time and healing often there may be set backs. Something happens that triggers those feelings. A certain date, a smell, a song, a place etc. a trigger that brings back the sense of loss. Luckily as time goes by it will be easier to remind ourselves that we have grown and moved past this event and it will be easier to let go. 

Acceptance

This is when we reach a point of acceptance. We are able to let go of the feelings of disbelief, anger, bargaining and depression and can accept the fact that our life will not now, nor ever be the same again. We experience a form of relief in knowing that there is nothing we could have done differently to avoid the outcome and have found a way to be alright with that. However that looks. 

Something important to keep in mind in this process is that feeling and emotions are necessary. Going through them and experiencing them is inevitable and necessary to move past them. It is one of the biggest psychological misconceptions that if we just repress them, they will eventually go away. They will not. If we don't sit with that anger, work through all the things we could have done differently, realize there is nothing we could have done and then sit with that pit in our stomach, we can't truly understand or be ok with the fact that life will never be the same again. Because the facts is, life is out of our control. We can't influence death, we can't control the way other people react or respond to us. All we can do is influence how we handle that notion of no control, and find a way to accept it. 

Life has a way of happening. There is no way we as humans can predict, force or prevent major changes in our lives from happening. We ultimately can't control other people. The only thing we can control is how we react and respond to these life changing events. We can look in ourselves, experience our grief and feelings of loss and eventually move past them. That however does not take away from the fact that from time to time, we will be reminded of the way it was 'before'. Which is perfectly normal and completely understandable. All we need to do is show ourselves the same patience and kindness we would show a loved one in a similar situation. 

That is what I would like to give you, if you're currently experiencing any form of loss. Be patient with yourself, be kind. This is your process, no one else can feel these emotions for you. No other person can process this loss for you. All you can do is sit tight and remind yourself that things WILL get better, and that there is always a way to find help when you need it. Don't ever be afraid to talk about it, or to reach out to someone. You'd be surprised about how many people feel or have felt the same. Loss is universal, sooner or later we all experience it, one way or another.