Tuesday, February 14, 2017

What is your love language?


Is there a more appropriate time of year to talk about the way we prefer to express, experience and receive love? On a day where in general everything revolves around love, giving as well as receiving, it can be helpful to look at the best way to convey love.

About a year ago, freshly into my marriage, an acquaintance suggested we read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman to use as a guide to start our marriage off with a solid base. It was proposed as a helping hand to getting to know ourselves and each other as partners better.
After my husband and I had both read the book we discussed it at length. As it turns out, for both of us it clarified a lot of behavioral pattern. Not only in the dynamics between the two of us but also the patterns with some of our closest friends and families were cast in a new light.




Here are the five ways (or languages) to convey love according to Chapman:
  1. Gift Giving
  2. Quality Time
  3. Words of Affirmation
  4. Acts of Service
  5. Physical Touch

1. Gift Giving
For some people the way love is best expressed is through gifts. In this case a gift can be considered as an object. This object is a symbol of the thought and effort (sometimes also value) someone spends to pick out and give as an expression of their love. A gift in this case is a physical manifestation and a visual symbol of love. Gifts also represent memories and have emotional value. A great example of gifts as symbol of love is found in the tradition of exchanging rings at wedding ceremonies. To some people these visual symbols of love are more important than to others. To those who have this as their first and foremost love language what matters most is the thought and effort with which the gift was picked and gifted.

2. Quality Time
For some people the most important way to express love is through giving someone their undivided attention. This is my personal primary love language. Spending pure quality time with my husband, friends and family without distractions is what gives me most pleasure and happiness in life. For me this doesn't mean being together while watching TV, reading books or being on our phones in close proximity to each other. To me quality time means having meaningful conversations or contact while sharing a meal or going on a walk, as long as being together is the main purpose and focus of the activity.


3. Words of Affirmation
With words of affirmation, think about the power of verbal compliments or words of encouragement and appreciation. To those whose primary love language is words of affirmation it is important that their deepest needs of feeling appreciated are met. One thing to keep in mind here is that it matters in which way these words are expressed and communicated. The message should be conveyed in person and in an authentic and earnest manner would be best. I'll be going into depth about effective communication soon in a different article so stay tuned.



4. Acts of Service
In this case I prefer to say acts of devotion as for me personally acts of service have a negative ring to it. These acts entail doing things for your loved one to show them what they mean to you, to please them through your actions. What matters to people who have this as their primary love language is the proverbial "actions speak louder than words."
My husband finds these expressions of love important. A concrete example? Since he works six days a week I like to do things for him that save him time so he wont have to do them on his one day off. This way he gets his well deserved rest and feels loved and appreciated in the process.



5. Physical Touch
Perhaps the most obvious of all is physical touch. Granted we all need physical touch in our lives and especially in romantic relationships, as it creates intimacy. Some however need the expressions of love even more than others. Think of touch through holding hands, giving hugs or kisses when leaving or returning.




Chapman states in his book that all of us have a primary and secondary way to express love. I find that as humans we need all of these needs met, all be it every single one of them to a different extent.
None of these expressions of love are exclusive in my opinion and I believe that every relationship needs a healthy balance of all of them. Whether it concerns a relationship with a partner, family member or friend, everyone needs love.


Chapman also says in his book that depending on how well our needs are met we feel either fulfilled or depraved of love. He draws a comparison to a tank that can be either full, half full or empty.

My metaphor is slightly different. I believe that love and the feeling of fulfillment we can experience through it is better compared through the metaphor of a battery. Giving love and feeling loved can give us energy, or if taken or given in the wrong way even make us feel emotionally drained. Love can be stores, restored and recharged. Depending on how well our batteries are charged with love, we can run on them. The energy love gives us feeds us.

Now here are my questions for you. How do you feel most loved? After reading these love languages do you have a better idea of what makes you feel loved by your spouse/partner, parents and friends? How about how they feel most loved? If you need a little help, there is a Quiz on the Five Love Languages website to give you an idea of your primary language.

Hopefully reading about these love languages can give you some helpful insights as to what you need to feel loved by those who matter most to you. It may give you tools to ask for it directly. Maybe it can even make it easier to recognize what those who are dearest to you need most from you.

Last but not least, below a straightforward chart with an overview of what actions to take and which to avoid with each love language as a helpful tool in communicating love to your partner, though I believe the essence stays the same no matter the relationship.










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